The royal family isn’t known for showing emotional or physical affection.
In Spare, Harry tells how his grandmother, the late Queen, “turned away” to avoid a hug from her mother, Diana, and how the Queen, after several months on tour with the royal family, was five. Talks about coming back to say hello to 6-year-old Charles and offered him a firm handshake.
And that overt lack of affection seems to permeate the entire family.
“I think Willie hugged me. I think I kissed Par on both cheeks. It would have looked like an exchange with, but for us it was a gorgeous and unprecedented demonstration of physical affection.”
Psychologist Dr. Audrey Tang speculates that this kind of “hard upper lip” parenting style can have detrimental effects…
Dr. Audrey Tan
May interfere with emotional expression
“More than ever, I wanted to hug my grandma,” said Harry when he attended the Queen’s Jubilee concert.
He also wrote, after the Queen gave him permission to ask Meghan to marry him.
Tang said many studies have shown the importance of physical contact and emotional expression of role models. “One of the biggest problems many people have is when parents fail to model their emotional expressions in a healthy way, because this is where a lot of behavior is actually learned during the formative years of life. am.
“Especially when it comes to hugging, touching builds trust. In fact, it’s faster to calm someone down than they can say it.”
However, in 1928, when the Queen was two years old, the prolific psychologist John Watson suggested that touching between parents and children should not be encouraged.
“We have to look back at how the Queen was raised,” Tan says.
“Not just for the formal reasons of being royalty, but if this was the study of the time, and Victorian behavior passed through generations where children were seen but unheard, you’d be giving yourself a lot.” You must have a change of heart to show your family.
“Society is changing. We need to change with it, but not everyone can or want to.”
But Tan also says you shouldn’t blame anyone for not hugging.
Emotionless parenting can affect future relationships
Tang says it can be very difficult for a new partner to understand the other’s family’s apathetic behavior. “It can take a lot of getting used to, but it’s possible. It requires open communication and ownership of your actions,” she explains.
And children raised with an upper-lip rigid mindset don’t necessarily raise their own children the same way. You can become overly loving in search of a unique experience,” she says.
“They know what the ‘father’s guilt’ was and what their own family problems are. Those who have had emotionally neglected families may become therapists, psychologists and teachers. Looking for a place where they can take advantage of the love and nurturing they never had: themselves.
“But unfortunately that may never solve the problem of having a better relationship with their own parents.”
It teaches children that they shouldn’t feel or show their emotions
Harry also revealed that he hadn’t cried over his mother’s death in 17 years, recalling talking to his then-girlfriend Cressida Bonas, saying, “‘I’ve been able to cry for my mother since she was buried. This is the first time for
“I wiped my eyes and thanked her. She was the first person to help me break through the barrier and shed tears.”
Tang suggests that many people find crying in public uncomfortable, as it can make someone feel like they have lost control.
“It’s much easier to tell someone to keep calm than to actually tell them why they’re so upset,” she says.
“We have nothing to be ashamed of when we cry. If you cry in front of your child, explain why it is okay to be sad and cry. If you don’t explain it, they can assume you did something wrong.
“The damage is most often not caused by the expression or lack of expression of emotion, but by how it is explained or managed. Make a story in your own head.”
“Indicating that feelings are bad is certainly a terrible thing because it will result in children having trouble expressing their feelings in the future.”
Children may not feel justified
Tang says it’s up to the child how much the parent stiffens the upper lip, and whether the parent explains why it behaves in a certain way.
“If your family isn’t very expressive, you can grow up expecting to see the same behavior because it’s normal for you.
“The child may be confused if it’s not explained that this person is a non-emotional person, but it’s okay to be emotional.
“Rather than being told that the family is muted and has a stiff upper lip, it’s important that the person acknowledges how they feel, so the child can have a more balanced opinion.” will be able to form
“We all have different connections. For example, just because someone in your family is less expressive doesn’t mean their child will be more expressive, and vice versa. It is a discussion of nature/nurture.
“But regardless of how children are born, their behavior tends to shape very quickly, depending on the strength of the family and the culture in which they grow up.”
