Dear ex-friend,
You may remember the first time we met. We probably clicked right away and thought we were going to be BFFs. We probably called each other every other day and planned life events together. We are probably “so much alike” that we really like being in each other’s company and I couldn’t tell you enough about you.
Do you remember when we saw that concert together? What about when you sang karaoke until 3 a.m. and pissed? Or was I there for you when your boyfriend’s jerk dumped you?
Then almost overnight, “no matter what happens” I started to withdraw and hated you because I found flaws in your character. , I began to put distance between us.
Our phone started to go down and down. I felt suffocated, so I was pulling away. I’m starting to think your obsession with me is crazy. I began to think that I might need clinical help. So I did the only reasonable thing: I broke up with you.
Honestly, you scared me so much that I found a reason why I don’t like you anymore. Even after we broke up, I still got emails, calls, and texts telling me that I was making up things in my head that didn’t really exist. You actually thought I was too sensitive and kept pushing me further and further away. Until one day you give up or I make it completely clear that we are no longer friends.
As I sit here today blogging about my past relationships with all of you (and I have so many exes), I started to realize that it really wasn’t you. — that’s meSee, after Karma finally bit my own butt last year (someone actually dumped me), it sent me a series of questions it asked me to ask “what happened?” When “Why don’t people like me?”
As pathetic as this may sound, I truly believed that I had been hurt in some way. I felt myself going round and round down the rabbit hole. As a result, I started answering some questions that both you and I have and what really went wrong in our relationship.
I started psychotherapy and now see a therapist every week. Through my therapy sessions, I began to reveal that I had generalized anxiety disorder and cyclothymic disorder.
Most people are aware of anxiety. It’s that feeling of gnawing your gut before a test or butterflying out of your comfort zone before doing anything. You live every waking moment of your life pretending that you don’t like it or gossip about you.It affects 4.2 million people in the United States alone.
Unlike GAD, most people have never heard of cyclothymic disorder (or simply cyclothymic disorder). Circulatory dysthymia only affects 1-5% of the population. Not because it’s special, but because it’s often misdiagnosed as bipolar II or ADHD.
Cyclothymic disorder is a very mild form of bipolar disorder. We are still riding the same waves, but our waves are much smaller and less intense. It’s like riding a 6ft wave instead of a giant 50ft wave.
Maybe I was riding the height of the wave when we met. Rich and very positive. I’m just happy As usual. My nickname is Sunshine. I definitely put it on when I was riding that wave like a pro surfer.
This was when we started making plans for the future and backed off our plans for world domination. Everyone loves happy drunks. This period was probably really productive too, and you’ve seen me just “love” everyone and my job. you weren’t alone.
But I’m not a pro surfer. Like all good waves, there are muddy waves that you can’t ride, and waves that you catch and quickly sweep away. I’m sorry to say that these are the waves that probably killed our relationship.
I became withdrawn, stayed indoors, and binge-watched TV. I also lose a lot of weight due to malnutrition (25 lbs). I spent months.
It was really hard to get out of bed that day, so I wrote poetry and slept all the time. This is a crash that occurs in Cyclothymia. Sorry friend, but those were the most extreme and difficult days to face.
There are days when I think you don’t like me very much and you gossip behind my back. There are days when I wish you were happier without me. These are also the days when I find time to email or text you and start distancing myself.
If you had invited me to dinner, I probably would have made some lame excuse. “I am broken” Also “I don’t feel well.” There may have been some truth to that, but the reality was a lot tougher than you think. felt.
At Cyclothymia, I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else, so I don’t worry about self-harm or suicide.
But the damage is real and I tear myself into being stupid, unlovable and worthless. Sometimes, instead of being at the top like I was in the beginning (with an exaggerated ego), I was now on the other side of the spectrum, hating myself and my job.
I started having panic attacks, feeling faint and lightheaded. The once proud “employee of the month” was grumpy and tired at work. A few weeks ago, she couldn’t explain why her dream job turned into a hell job.
I wish I had known about my disability long before we parted. I know there is nothing I can do to rectify the damage I have done to our relationship.I feel terrible the way I left you and there is no way back.
All I can do is make sure my new friends and those who have been by my side continue to support me and understand that there are good days and bad days. You may have some mixed up. If you can do that, I will defend you no matter what.
If we can get through this together, I am a very loyal friend. let me try. It may just need time to recharge. I’m like a battery Initially fully charged and ready to be with everyone every day. After that, the battery may be low and need to be charged. It may take several weeks.
But I always come back, my friend.
Sarah Chamberlain is the Founder/President of DBSA Aloha Honolulu (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance), which helps people suffering from depression and mental illness and supports their families.
