don’t put the child to sleepNew book has answers

In a new book, popular US parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy shares her approach to raising children in a way that feels good. Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Parenthood
you want to bewhich covers children’s sleep problems.

There’s nothing like parenting all day long and your child protesting sleep, procrastinating bedtime, or waking up in the middle of the night when they desperately need the rest they need. If you find it difficult to manage your bedtime protests, you are not alone. Especially because it comes at the exact moment parents eagerly await that precious childless moment of the day so they can finally relax, read, or do something for themselves. It’s ironic that at the end of a long day, parents want to be away from their kids, but at the same time, kids want continued connection with their parents.

When considering your child’s sleep problems, it’s important to remember this truth: sleep struggles are ultimately separation struggles. I go to sleep. Also, since separation struggles are at the root of sleep problems, we need to formulate sleep “solutions” based on our understanding of attachment theory.

The attachment system is based on seeking proximity because children feel safest when their parents are next to them. Night time can be really dangerous for children. It means darkness, loneliness, the slowing of the body and the acceleration of the mind, the emergence of frightening thoughts, even existential worries about permanence (“Will my parents really be there when I can? ?”).

So… what can you do? I think sleep change is her two-step process. First, children need to feel safe. You need to help your child develop the skills to cope during the day when the stakes are low before they feel safe enough to leave for the night. strategy can be implemented. Too often, we become short-sighted about sleep and so overwhelmed by our own frustration that we miss the bigger story of what is happening to our child. Unfortunately, it can exacerbate the problems that caused sleep problems in the first place.When parents are cold, disciplined, and passive, children who seek understanding and try to calm themselves down are more lonely. feel threatened by Thus, our children’s need for our presence increases, making us more irritable…and the cycle continues.

Let’s review what we know about attachment and separation.

A child who struggles to pull away has a hard time internalizing the healing aspects of parenthood. They are relieved when their parents are present, but often terrified when they are absent. Closing this gap makes separation more manageable when you help your child incorporate a part of the parent-child relationship so that they have access to a sense of security, security, and trust. sleep. If we can imbue a parent’s presence into the child’s environment, we can access the healing functions of parenthood without the parent being there. This is the goal. When considering interventions to help your child with sleep problems, consider whether it will help your child learn skills to tolerate your absence, or whether your absence will actually increase their fear. Please. Beyond the strategies described here, considering this binary can help you evaluate what works for you and makes you feel good.

strategy

“Where is everyone?”

Children do not take parental permanence for granted. When they go to sleep they don’t know you’re still there. Talk about where you spend the night during the day so your child can understand. Walk around the house and show me. You might say I’ll be here when you’re asleep! Then, in the morning, I’ll wake up and pick you up from your room! ” In times of transition or change, we can also add: This is something that will never change: I will still be here when you go to sleep. I will be here when you wake up. ”

Explore isolation routines during the day

If your child has trouble sleeping, pay attention to their patterns of separation during the day. Is it difficult for your child to go to the toilet alone? Is branch school difficult? Does your child have a hard time saying goodbye when you run errands or walk alone? to address these dynamics. Nights can be filled with extra anxiety, so you need to build isolation skills when your body is less energized and more receptive to learning. (even if it’s just to go to the bathroom!) and assure them that if you can’t be with them, they’re safe and will definitely come back.

role play

Take out stuffed animals, trucks, dolls, or whatever your child likes to play with. Use them to go through your bedtime routine, see the emotions that arise, and the strategies that will help you in the soothing process. Tell your child, “Help Ducky get ready for bed!” Then tell Ducky: It’s okay to feel sad when you go to bed. Remember, Mama Duck is right outside your room. you are safe And Mummy Duck will see you in the morning. OK, let’s get ready for bed. Then review your evening routine – use the same one as your child (“Read Ducky’s two books to him, then brush his teeth, then let him sing one song.” ,good night!”). Work hard for your child.

imbue your presence

My approach to sleep problems centers around helping your child feel the soothing function of your relationship without you being there all the time. Think of different ways to imbue the presence of You might put your family photo next to your child’s bedroom, and your child’s photo next to their bed. During the day, you can introduce this by saying: Sometimes I can’t sleep and I think about you and miss you! I want to take a picture of you right next to my bed. Then I can see you and remind you that you are here and I am safe and I will see you in the morning! You could even make a picture frame and put it by your bed. ”

It is recommended to build a frame together – nothing special. Simply decorate the construction paper and glue the photo on top. In this way, your presence not only permeates your photo room, but also the memory of the child who created art with you, perhaps a memory where you feel safe and connected.

A mantra for you and your child

I have used this mantra for many years with my own children. [child’s name] Safe. my bed is comfortable ” You can introduce your child to the mantra in the following way. After she left, I said to myself over and over again. She told me to say: ‘Mommy is nearby, Farnaz is safe, my bed is comfortable.’ Sleeping was still a bit tricky for me, but it helped me improve it. In your case, ‘Mommy is nearby, Nahid is safe, the bed is comfortable. Incorporating this mantra into her routine allows her to chant the mantra three times after having her child sing the song. Pretty soon, your child will be able to internalize the mantras and create them themselves.Mantras, especially those with stories that transcend generations, are another great way to imbue a child’s room with a sense of presence. It’s a way.

safe distance method

This method is based on the principles of attachment theory and respects that children need to feel close to their parents in order to feel safe. Start in your child’s room, stay close, build distance over nights, and move farther and farther (and eventually out of the room). Explain to your child: I’ll be in your room while you sleep. I don’t do this all the time, but I will for a while. I won’t talk while I’m here because it’s not daytime. I’m here so you know you’re safe. ”

Here’s a safe distance step-by-step:

1. Stay in the child’s room until the child falls asleep or is completely asleepKeep away from children while in the room. Once you’re away from him, feel free to use your time to work or handle personal matters. You’re there for your existence, not engagement. Remember, your child doesn’t need you in their room forever. Self-reliance (separation) comes from the security of dependence (unity).

2. On the first night, stay as close as possible to make your child feel safewhen he is calm he will feel safe. Your starting point might be to sit on his bed and rub his back. 3 nights in a row at this distance.

3. Start creating more distanceYour second “place” might be sitting on his bed without touching it, or sitting by his bed. I can’t. Announce it to your child in the morning of the new change. I won’t be sitting in your bed tonight I’m in your room, sitting in your chair. you can do it! “

4. If your child becomes frightened or dysregulated, Slowly and quietly chant the bedtime mantra while staring at the floorIf your child is still scared, move a little closer. It’s normal to “in and out” to figure out a safe distance.

5. If you notice frustration or anger Remember your bedtime mantra: “That’s it. There are moments when the child falls asleep. I can deal with this.”

6. continue this distancing process Until you are near the door, then in the door frame, then at night, outside the cracked door.

– edited excerpt from Good Inside: A practical guide to becoming the parent you want to be By Dr. Becky Kennedy, HarperCollins, MSRP $37.99.